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  “No, no one gave me anything.” She was starting to freak out.

  “Then I don’t know what to tell you.” I turned to walk away.

  I didn’t have time for this and my bullshit limit had been reached.

  “Wait.” She reached out and grabbed my arm. She jerked her hand back like it was on fire.

  “What?” I sighed.

  Damn, I was getting aggravated. There were people outside waiting for me to finish a set and here I was fucking around with some little white-haired pixie.

  “A guy at the bar gave me a drink.” She looked at me with crazed eyes. “I thought he just got it from the bartender. It was really sweet, but it tasted fine. I don’t think there was anything it in. I would have tasted it, right?”

  “Great, just fucking great.” I threw my hands up in aggravation. “You got spiked.”

  I leaned my head back and ran my hands roughly down my face. This was just what I needed.

  She reached out and laid her hand on my arm. I looked down at her fingers. The contrast between my tan, tattooed skin and her perfectly manicured, pale fingers was shocking.

  “Am I going to be okay?” she asked in a panic. “Should I go to a hospital? My friend, the one who brought me… I can’t find her. She wanted the drummer and now I can’t find her. Please don’t leave me.”

  Her chest heaved as she began to hyperventilate. She leaned her head down, allowing her hair to come around her shoulders. It was much longer than it looked from straight on. Reaching up, she pushed her hair from her face. She was on the verge of a major breakdown.

  With her hair out of her face, I got a better look at her. My eyes were met with soft, untouched skin and flushed cheeks. She had a tiny nose and slightly slanted eyes. She looked foreign, all pale with naturally platinum hair, not the box-dyed white that chicks liked to use. She reminded me of a tiny snowflake fairy.

  Shaking my brain and alleviating the crazy thoughts, the situation at hand came back to me.

  “I’ll go get you some help,” I said as I turned to walk away again.

  She reached out once more and grabbed my arm. Her fingers weren’t as soft as before. Instead, they dug desperately into my forearm. Her mouth gapped open like she was about so say something and then her eyes rolled back in her head. I had to catch her when she fainted in my arms.

  I snuggled into my sheets and sighed as my tingling muscles finally relaxed. I’d practiced extra hard in hopes that I’d come home, shower, and pass out. The burn in my calves told me I’d overdone it, but it felt good to push myself. Soccer was the only thing I was in control of. In a life as secretly chaotic as mine, that small ounce of power was welcomed.

  I rolled onto my side and stuffed my arm under my pillow. My eyes fluttered as I started to fall asleep, but they popped back open at the tiny sound. A door opened down the hallway and then I heard the soft click of it closing. The hairs on my arms stood up like a frightened cat. He was coming to see me. I was exhausted, but there was nothing I could do. All I could do was lie still and pray that it went by fast.

  It happened more frequently now that I was older. When I was younger it was maybe once a month, but these days it was quickly becoming our weekly ritual, a sick ritual that I’d gotten to know well over the years.

  My bedroom door creaked open and I rolled over onto my back. My full-sized mattress squeaked as his heavy weight joined mine. Cold air rushed over my legs as he casually folded my comforter back. I said nothing and lifted my hips as he pulled my nightshirt up and worked my panties down my legs.

  His fingertips brushed the inside of my thighs and tickled my bald private areas. He requested that I always shave my pubic hair. I was probably the only seventeen-year-old girl in school that got waxed weekly.

  I opened my legs wider as he positioned himself on top of me. He pushed my hair to the side and leaned down to kiss my cheek as he slowly entered me. I hated the feel of his slimy lips on my face. There was the normal burn of my dry skin against his before my body finally gave in.

  It was at that point that I’d mentally zone out. I’d close my eyes and replay the day over in my head. I’d go through any plays I’d missed at practice and check off the list of things I needed to do before practice the next day. I’d think about any upcoming games and the rival teams we were going to play. I’d toss around scores and points and estimate what the points for the next game would be.

  Far away, I could hear my headboard bump into the wall in his normal rhythm. In the distance, there was the echo of his hard breathing and faintly I could feel his hot breath against my neck. The music my mattress made under us was a song I’d memorized. It always started out as a slow tune that quickened as the minutes went by until finally he’d sing and the mattress became quiet.

  He pulled out of me and cold air filled my emptiness. He ran his hand down my leg as he tugged my nightshirt back down. Then I felt his lips brush my forehead.

  “Goodnight, sweetheart,” he whispered against my skin.

  “Goodnight,” I rasped.

  I lay there for an hour before sleep finally took me away. Only when I was asleep was I able to really breathe. Only in the unconscious moments of my deep dreams was I able to open myself up and allow relaxation to truly seep into me. Sometimes, I secretly prayed for an eternal sleep—one where there is no pain and he didn’t exist.

  The next morning I got up early enough to take a long shower. The hot water washed away the night before as I scrubbed my body raw. My skin was pink and lined with scratches from my loofah. I could never get clean enough. For years, I’d tried to clean myself, but somehow I was still so dirty. I could remember begging my mom for baths when I was nine. She used to laugh and tell her friends I was the cleanest child she knew. If only she knew how soiled I really was.

  I washed my hair twice before finally getting out, brushing my teeth, and then getting dressed for school. I skipped breakfast so I could avoid the kitchen and waited on the front porch for my ride. I had a car, but he bought it for me. I’d rather walk to school than go near the gray, four-door Toyota. Instead, I pretended I was afraid to drive and hitched a ride with my best friend, Megan.

  Her white Honda Civic jerked as she pulled into my driveway. Why her parents bought her a stick shift, I’d never know.

  “Hey, rock star! Nice goal yesterday,” she said as I hopped into the warmth of her car.

  “Thanks. We’re going to kick ass this weekend,” I said proudly.

  I set my book bag on the floorboard between my feet and pushed my snowy hair from my face. Megan looked over at me with big, brown, puppy dog eyes and I knew she was going to ask me for something I didn’t want to give up. She picked at her short, black pixie hair, and then popped her gum.

  “Okay, so I know you don’t usually do the party scene, but there’s a bangin’ party going down this weekend at The Pit. I can get us in since my sister used to sleep with the guy that watches the door. He’s like forty or something and Melanie was our age when it happened. We have to go, Pay. Please say you’ll go. Blow Hole’s playing and you know I got a thing for Chet.” She applied lip gloss, and then rubbed her lips together.

  A car honked at us when she went into the other lane. She paid attention to everything but the road. I dug my fingers into the dash.

  “No, you have a thing for drummers. Why can’t we just watch movies at your house this weekend like we planned?” I whined.

  “I promise you’ll have fun. Just do me a solid and go. I’ll owe you big.” Her car jerked into the school parking lot, then skidded to an abrupt stop in the closest empty space.

  No way was I getting out of going to The Pit with Megan, no matter how hard I tried. I’d never been, but I’d heard horror stories about wild girls with their faces pierced shut who were half naked. In a place like that, I’d be the one to stick out. My white-blond hair would fit in, except mine was natural, while most girls with my hair color got it done at a salon. At least if I went I wouldn’t have to see my dad if I staye
d out too late. Anything that kept me away from him was a good thing.

  I stayed late at practice and joined everything possible at school. I had the schedule of four girls and most nights I fell into bed and passed out. It was my survival plan, the way I made it through life. Outsiders would never know that behind closed doors my life was hell. I was well liked and a soccer star, but I was a broken porcelain doll, cracked beyond repair and tossed in the back of a closet.

  All eyes turned to Megan when we walked into Pinewood Prep. She stuck out like a sore thumb with her jacked-up plaid skirt and the addition of a really cute hot pink tie to replace the boring navy blue. In a sea of boring grays and navy, her tiny pops of color were welcomed by my eyes.

  I remember when she came to school with her new nose piercing. I thought it was adorable and I envied her freedom, but everyone practically hissed at her as we walked down the hallway. Megan couldn’t care less. She walked that hallway like she owned it, with her head held high and a secretive grin on her face. She loved the attention, while I was perfectly fine with blending in. The only place I didn’t blend in was on the soccer field. It was my kingdom. Even though I was usually the tiniest girl on the field, I dominated.

  I spent the rest of the week tutoring after school and then I followed that up with soccer practice. On the days I didn’t practice, I’d hit the gym and work out until I thought my body would collapse. I’d stumble into the house around nine at night, shower, and stay in the bathroom until eleven, and then when I thought the coast was clear, I’d go to my room.

  On Friday, I went straight to Megan’s after school and told my parents I was staying the night there. I was sure to pack an overnight bag complete with something to wear to The Pit. I somehow thought that wearing my school uniform wouldn’t fly. Although, some sick people get off on the schoolgirl look… I would know.

  “Damn, Pay, check you out with your cute little body. Girl, what you been doin’?” Megan said as we got dressed to go out.

  “Just soccer and the gym.” I shrugged.

  “Who knew you had all that hiding under that God-awful uniform?” She motioned at my half-naked body. “If I were you, I’d go naked all day.” She laughed.

  “You’d go naked all day if you weren’t me.” I snickered.

  Megan’s low-cut jeans showed her deep, pelvic bones and her top was well above her belly button. Her cute belly button piercing housed a cherry charm that dangled low. Her cropped hairstyle was spiked and picked at wildly and she went the extra step of putting black eyeliner on top of her eyelids. She looked hot and I felt under dressed.

  I settled on a pair of semi-tight khaki pants and a white button-up shirt. I left two of the buttons undone so I could at least pretend to not be a tight ass. Megan tried to talk me into some of her wild clothes, but the thought of showing more skin than I already was made me feel nauseated. Men looking at me in general made me nauseated. I was a sick girl mentally and no one knew it.

  While Megan had her hair and makeup done, I let my pale hair hang and ran a quick brush through it. I used some lip gloss and that was the extent of my makeup.

  “You don’t need makeup anyway,” Megan said as I slid the gloss on.

  We said a quick good-bye to her mom, who was quite possibly the coolest parent alive, and then we made our way to the other side of town. Soon, the large, white houses were behind us and we were surrounded by broken-down buildings and trailer parks. I reached up and locked my door, which earned me an eye roll from Megan.

  We pulled into a full parking lot that had no buildings around it.

  “We’re here,” she said as she pulled up her emergency brake.

  Looking around in confusion, I lifted a brow at her.

  “Um, there’s nothing here, just a bunch of abandoned cars.”

  She laughed loudly. “Follow me, silly girl.”

  I stayed close to her as I followed her to the edge of the parking lot. A set of concrete stairs went down into the darkness. The Pit was giving a whole new meaning to the words underground club.

  As we went down the stairs, we slowly became surrounded by a concrete tunnel. The tunnel led us to a large opening where a man with his arms crossed sat on stool in front of the main entrance. The music coming from the other side of the bright-red metal door vibrated the filthy floor beneath my feet and put waves in the bottle of soda sitting next to him.

  “Hey, Gerald.” Megan gave him a toothy smile. “I assumed there’d be no problems getting me and my girl in?” She motioned to me.

  She had him by the balls and he knew it. Either he could let us in or she’d squeal about his sleeping with a minor years before. Megan didn’t say those words, but he knew what she meant. He looked me over and then shook his head and sighed. He didn’t even bother checking our IDs as he waved us in.

  “I should’ve never touched her,” he muttered. “Damn complicated women.”

  Megan shot him a shit-eating grin as we passed him and went through the door.

  The world on the other side of that blood-red door was unlike anything I’d ever seen in person. I’d seen crazy mosh pits and wild concerts on TV before, but up close it was a bit overwhelming. Megan pushed her way through the crowd and I followed close behind. Every now and again I’d get bumped into. It took all the strength I had to stay upright.

  The loud rock music from the band pierced my eardrums. It was so loud I couldn’t even hear myself think. There were half-naked women dancing on the bar and colorful graffiti covered every square inch of the concrete walls. Every person I passed had a tattoo or a piercing and everyone seemed to be showing either too much skin or they were covered in head-to-toe black.

  Like when Megan walked into our school, all eyes were on me. I instantly regretted not wearing her clothes. Had I known that wearing such boring clothing would have brought more attention to me, I’d be as half-naked as the women that surrounded me. I’d never felt more out of place in my life.

  Once we got to the bar, I was able to speak to Megan.

  “I don’t think I belong here,” I yelled over the music.

  “You’ll be fine. You just need a drink.”

  She yelled out a drink order to the guy behind the bar, then handed me a cup. I sipped it as we pushed our way back through the crowd toward the stage.

  That was when I saw him. His head was down as he dug his fingers into his guitar. Perfect music flowed from him and it was as if all the other instruments in the band disappeared. I zoned in on his solo and watched as he moved his fingers up and down. He was amazing.

  His loose-fitting jeans had rips and tears in them and the sleeves in his black T-shirt were rolled up. The tattoos on his elbows melted into the ones that disappeared into the sleeves of his shirt. There were letters placed on his fingers, but his hands were moving so fast I couldn’t see what they said. Once his solo was over, he looked back out at the crowd. His long, dark bangs still covered half his face. He shifted his head to the side, tossing them out of his eyes and giving me a peek of the little music note tattooed behind his ear.

  He didn’t smile. He was as hard as the concrete that surrounded us, but in his eyes you could see he loved what he was doing. There was a natural look of joy in his sultry stare as he bathed the women in the front row with his inattentive gaze. He caught a break for a minute and reached over for his beer. I watched as he brought the bottle to his lips and his silver lip ring caught my full attention. He was covered in color and art; he was a standing statue for freedom, and I was drawn to his careless stature.

  “Oh my God, Chet is so hot! Look at him, Pay. Isn’t he a rock god?” Megan screamed over the music.

  I shook my head yes, but I wasn’t looking at Chet. Who the hell was Chet? And why would anyone want to look at him when they could feast their eyes on the tall, tatted god with the guitar?

  We stood there “rocking out” for a few songs until our cups were empty. Megan was right. I was already feeling more relaxed with just the one drink down my throat.
r />   Once we were at the bar, Megan handed me some money and told me to get more while she went and said hello to some girl I’d never seen. I spent a few minutes being knocked around while screaming to the bartender, who apparently didn’t see nor hear me. I was about to give up and walk away when an older guy stopped me.

  He wasn’t much taller than me, but was thick in the shoulders, which made him feel consuming. He had a bright, friendly smile and that was welcomed in a room full of blacked out, moody rockers.

  “I saw you standing there trying so hard to get a drink, so I thought I’d help you out,” he called over the music as he handed me two more of the drinks Megan and I were drinking before.

  “Oh my God, thank you so much. Here, let me pay you back.” I tried to stuff the money into his hands.

  “What kind of gentleman would I be if I let you pay me back? Drink. Enjoy yourself, on me.” He smiled politely before disappearing into the crowd.

  Apparently, looks were deceiving. He looked like a hood rat from the wrong side of tracks, but he was such a pleasant guy.

  After being tossed around some more, I made it back to Megan’s side and handed her one of the drinks.

  “Yay! Thanks, Pay!” She flashed me a big smile, “See? I told you we’d have a blast.”

  “Yep, you called it.” I pasted a big, fake smile on my lips and stood beside her as she socialized with ease.

  I spent the next hour listening to the band play and watching the guitarist as he peered out at the crowd with his steely gaze. It disturbed me that I found him attractive. I never looked at boys; males were disgusting as far as I was concerned. So, while I watched him, I played mental tug-of-war over what it was about him that attracted me.

  The conclusion was he was attractive because he was untouchable. At least to a girl like me he was. And if couldn’t touch him, then that meant he couldn’t touch me. A guy who could never touch me would be attractive.

  I stood that way for a while before I realized Megan was no longer beside me. I turned quickly to see if she was behind me and the room spun. The concrete floor shifted under my feet and the music turned into a loud buzz in my ears. I was drunk… I think. I’d never been drunk before. I looked down at my empty cup and was amazed at how quickly I’d gotten myself drunk.